I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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