Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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