His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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