i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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