i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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