I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
