when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
