My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
