worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
