Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
