How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
