Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
