That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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