and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
