worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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