I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
