Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
