wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
