Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
