nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
