it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
