He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
