So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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