I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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