My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
