I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
