i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I currently don't understand fingers.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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