I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
