There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
