Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
whose parrot is this?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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