I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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