soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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