i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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