It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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