Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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