The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
