God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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