Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
