Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
