Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize