We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
