Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
