So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
