Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
