I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
