someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
