If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
