i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
