i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
