My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize