I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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