Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Randomize
