I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
