I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
