She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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