im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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