so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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