I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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