the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
