i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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