Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
