you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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