By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
