TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
