Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
