i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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