I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
