Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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