Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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