Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
